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| Every single damn time before summer I tell myself that an awesome summer awaits me, that I'll find some amazing summer love. So I'm an idiot. And I will probably die like an old cat lady.
I cannot find the proper words to express how much I fucking hate myself!
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| wow so sophomore year is coming to an end. this year was probably one of the worst years of my life, right next to sixth grade. but i guess as you grow older you just stop caring about how much it sucked and just try to get a move on with it.
so this year i lost like 3625131624624 friends. mostly cause i was kinda quiet and distant and emo and tired all goddamn year long at school and just ignored everybody. i know i can't blame that on anybody but myself but i can't help but connect it to all the goddamn middle school drama that persists till high school, which is frankly quite fucking annoying. we all go to tech and it's like an invisible obligation to hang onto each other even though deep inside none of us want anything to do with the other person, specifically speaking, two people here.
so hm this year i lost a lotttt of my close friends. i don't know if "lost" is the right word, but things are definitely different. and everyone else, i just lost touch with. i used to think me and maggie would keep in touch till college but now i really doubt it. for some reason a lot of people seem to hate me this year--hate may not be the right word, but it sure seems that way sometimes. i can be a bitch, but it's not like you just found out. the thing i just don't understand from it all is that WHY, even to this goddamn day, like 5 years after i've met these people, why can't people accept my flaws? i know i'm fucking psychotic and i have the bitchiest outbreaks, but is that really a reason for you to just cut off all your ties with me? BESIDES the flaws that i have, BESIDES the goddamn fact that i am a scary ass bitch, i can be one of the kindest people too. i just don't know about that anymore. @_@ this whole 'discovering yourself' shebang is so confusing. whatever.
SO SUMMER IS GONNA START SOON AND I'M SO EXCITED TO BE AWAY FROM EVERYONE AND START OVER AND MEET NEW PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW ANYONE I KNOW SO THAT WAY PEOPLE CAN'T SAY SHIT ABOUT ME AND GET ALL DRAMATIC ABOUT EVERY LITTLE GODDAMN SHIT.
=] bye
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| entertainment:
1) six flags
2) karaoke
3) bowling
4) beach
5) film festival/outdoor films
6) harry potter 6!
7) picnic
8) sushi buffet
9) thrifting
photo ops:
1) court sq/5 pointz
2) sunset/sunrise
3) roosevelt island
4) do some shoots with people; experiment with portraits?!
hobbies/leisure:
1) practice more guitar (find songs to work on; technique; palm muting)
2) practice more keyboards (an jing, river flows in you, gravity)
3) make a duet with someone
4) finish a goddamn song and record it =)
5) work on one of my novels
6) teach brandon guitar
7) learn how to crochet from amy chen
8) bake with amy chen!
random weird inspirational stuff i wanna do:
1) bury something, perhaps make a time capsule
2) send a bottle into the ocean
3) make a jar of stars and make a wish
4) write on a balloon and let it go
learning/improving/future education stuff:
1) figure out some possible colleges
2) explore more of my interests, narrow it down
3) plan junior year, the clubs i'll join...the hectic year
4) sat prep!
5) learn way more vocab words
6) learn more chinese
7) improve respiratory system: aerobic exercise! running in the mornings!
8) improve hand eye coordination >_<
MAKE MONEY IN SOME SHAPE OR FORM.
spend more time with:
mom, diana, kayde, lisa, pauline!, steph, amy, ppl from tech-hopefully
MIDDLE SCHOOL REUNION! | | |
| i'm horrible. i push people away and i snap at them.
no wonderrrrrr they always go =)
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| Reading certain things..encounters with people...has got me thinking, what's real and what's not in my life? Sometimes I feel like certain people aren't really there. I feel like I don't know them, even though I've gotten to know them. Some people I know lie all the time, and damn I don't know what to believe anymore. Like my friend said he might have a surgery that he might not survive? Like wtf, I honestly don't really believe it came out of nowhere...I don't know. Everything just feels like fluff to me, so artificial. I feel like I'm living in some 2D world.
And another thing. Everyone's so fucking obsessed about AP courses and OMG JUNIOR YEAR and succeeding and college and its like WHAT THE FUCK. this girl i know is trying to take 5 APs. is that even humanly possible? i know it's important to fucking care about your career and your future and whatnot, but are you really living? jeez. i am 1/3 as hardworking as those people are, and i feel like i'm not living my life, so i wonder how they must live. there's just so many people so overworked about everything and it's just kind of funny to me. you're going to get a great job. SO WHAT? where does your life go? can you really get maximum satisfaction from having a great career? seriously?
and i am really trying to keep my rants to a minimum...
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